crowdog66

My mom is still, apparently, dying, although the doctor on the ward today said that he's seen people rally from a similar state and recover to a certain extent. If she doesn't improve by tomorrow, they'll cut the antibiotics and let nature take its course.

For the most part she rested peacefully today. At one point her eyes opened and I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"I love you, Mom," I said.

"... love you too..." she murmured, then fell back unconscious.

If that's the last communication I have with her, I can count myself blessed, I think.

Several crying fits today, trying to weep quietly so I wouldn't disturb her if she could hear me. A visit from one of the pastoral care workers, who offered to help me with any rituals/death rites if I need an assistant, even though they're not Wiccan themselves. Mom had a bit of a scary choking fit this afternoon due to the buildup of phlegm in her throat, but a nurse came and turned her onto her side and she was able to cough it up. They've started giving her a medication to cut down on fluid production.

Starting to panic at the thought of all the administrative things to be done when she dies -- talking to her landlord (which has to be done in the next couple of days), cleaning out her apartment, etc. I'll be taking another tranquillizer tonight to make sure I can sleep. My friend Terri sat with me this evening while George was at home, and will give me a lift out to Riverview tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow my friend Cheryl comes in from British Columbia, and she's someone my mother has been waiting to see. Perhaps after they have a visit, my mother will feel easier about passing on.

It's still so terribly hard. Thank you to all who responded to my last post with encouraging words.

I just want her to be at peace. I don't want her to suffer. The nurses say she is resting very comfortably, but still... I feel such grief and such a sense that I could be doing something, anything, to make the situation better.

And now I'm crying all over again. Dammit.